How to Disappear Completely (I'm not here / this isn't happening)

Keeping this thing up to date, when I lack time and reliable internet connection, sometimes proves to be rather difficult - but hey, two blog posts in one day, can't be that bad?! Anyways, the following entry is obviously overdue, and you can probably expect quite a few entries popping up here and there that comment on past trips, excursions, weekend activities, and what have you.

Sometime towards the end of January, when we found out about mom's prognosis, I was having a difficult time processing the various insane things I was meant to process. I wound up spending a week trying to fight off a lot of things, rather than, as I was later advised to do, allowing them to happen, acknowledge them, move on; don't dwell, don't fight, let it be (how very beatles of me). However, this whole horrid cycle of dwell / fight / ignore / dwell somewhat diminished my capacity to do much else other than be a ball of anxiety. Add that stress to my slight pre-existing social anxiety, and you get a Dana who shuts people out, gets mad for ridiculous reasons, pulls a disappearing act, and refuses to participate in simple social activities.

Fortunately (as there can be a slight silver lining on these types of situations and mood imbalances), 'escape' in Switzerland sure beats 'escape' in Hamilton / Mississauga (you know, in Hamilton I can go to the mountain, maybe downtown to get bothered by some haggard drunk man -- and in Mississauga I can go to Erindale Park...with Nick. Which is often more hilarious than calming...and something I desperately want to do while I write this). After a failed attempt at joining Gilberto, Steph, and friends of theirs on a Friday night outing, I decided to forgo any other gatherings that weekend, and took off Saturday morning - heading towards Montreaux.

I have to admit, that despite my reasons for going to Montreaux alone (an attempt to disappear so I could avoid the additional stress of having to fraternize with people, hiding out from not only friends but from myself) I was rather glad I did. Unfortunately... or fortunately, upon arrival at Montreaux, once I made my way down to the lakeshore and whipped out my camera, I realized that I hadn't charged the battery since my trip to London. At first I got frustrated, just one more thing to add to my list of problems, I felt like I needed to hear that Jay Z song - "if you having girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a bitch aint one" - its not because any of that song ever actually pertains to me, I just find it pleasantly ironic and rather kitsch, to be this upper middle class suburban white girl who chooses a rap song to quote when shit hits the fan. Sometimes you just need to bask in all the absurdities of your life.

I stumbled about for a moment or two trying to figure out what I would do without a camera or any companionship other than my ipod, finally deciding that this was, in fact, a perfect opportunity to wander and appreciate the beauty of Montreaux without too many distractions.

Montreaux is a small city located on the north east shore of Lake Geneva, with the Rhone mountains just across the way. Walking along the lakeshore, even in the 'dead' of 'winter' (terms I use lightly as the vast majority of my readers are currently still trying to dig their way out of the Snow in Toronto) is simply amazing. The city is small and calm and remarkably clean (perhaps because it is winter and not overrun with tourist). As I walked I found a few places to sit here and there, often very close to the water, where I simply tried to exist within the moment, enjoying the view of the mountains lightly concealed behind a grey mist, the quiet lapping of the water against the shore - all of it charming and picturesque.

Of course, as mentioned, I also had my ipod on me. I've included here a small Montreaux playlist - a collection of songs that adequately capture the mood of that day, the setting, all of it. Sometimes we need to rely on extra devices to get the point across. I'm no artist, I didn't have my camera, and writing for me only will only ever accomplish so much - I can give you the mis en scene but not the impassioned actor, not the jarring movements. not the honest from the gut dialogue. But consider this the soundtrack. Listen to it and reread the blog. Listen to it and sit in a park, allow yourself to become nostaligic while watching something utterly detached from you, paying as much attention to it (whatever it is, however simple or complex) as possible. Enjoy.

Montreaux Play List (click here to download)

1. House of Cards - Radiohead
2. Over The Pond - The Ablum Leaf
3. A Smile that Explodes - Joseph Arthur
4. In Places, Empty Spaces - The Most Serene Republic
5. Bats Mouth - Bat for Lashes
6. Passenger Seat - Death Cab for Cutie
7. Love and Mathematics - Broken Social Scene

I returned from Montreaux to discover Steph had almost sent out a search party for me (I hadn't told anyone I was leaving, I didn't take my cell phone. I wanted to disappear..I guess I just wanted to be invisible, not to be a burden to anyone anymore - and maybe if I didn't exist, nothing bad would either). I stayed inside that night, knowing that it was still to early for me to be able to stand up straight in a crowd of people I barely knew. I laid in bed, I listened to Radiohead, I let myself feel what I had been fighting off, no longer hiding, no more pushing.
I became exhausted.
I slept. I slept. I slept.
I woke.