gatheration

list of artists i want to kidnap for my island of kidnapped (indie?) rock stars:

1. Emily Haines (Metric / solo / Broken Social Scene)

Double B and I have been conspiring this one for about a year, I think to date we decided that we needed such things as a large butterfly net, two large bottles of JD, fake press on nails, a bear trap, backstage passes, half a jar full of green jelly beans, and or a friend of a friend of Emily's.

Her position on the island: President, India representative on model UN, official basket weaver (I assume she would be good with her hands because of the piano playing)

Possible escape tactic: thrashing around like she does onstage leading us to assume she is having a seizure.

2. Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes / other projects)

A plan conspired with Shylah. We mostly just want him to sit in the corner and sing us songs, but he can also sing us songs on an island.

Position: Fire-watcher, Guitar tuner, American representative on Model UN

Possible Escape tactic: suicide, alcohol poisoning or constant whining to point of annoyance,

3. Leslie Feist (Broken Social Scene / solo)

She can hang out with Emily and they can reminisce about their days in Toronto when the scene wasn't really going anywhere. She'd probably be kidnapped wearing a ridiculous outfit like a sequence jumper (ala 1,2,3,4) and after kidnapping her I think I would steal her gold casio watch.

Position: Vice-president, Canadian representative on model UN, choreographer for nightly entertainment

Possible Escape Tactic: Forming an alliance with Emily survivor styles and having Emily turn on her and tell her at the closing ceremonies that if she was dying of thirst in the desert she wouldn't give her water to drink - of course this would all be pre-planned as an escape tactic.

4. Meredith Godreau (Gregory and the Hawk)

I imagine she would make wine for the other captives. She would cover their songs acoustically and be terribly adorable in doing so. Pretty much everyone else on the island would be jealous that she can actually sing - not saying the others can't - but her voice, in the traditional/folky sense, would have them groveling at her feet.

Position: Wine maker / drinking buddy. French representative on Model UN

Possible Escape Tactic: not sure, though probably something to do with her hair getting frizzy and unmanageable.

5. Thom Yorke (Radiohead / Solo)

Certainly the hardest to capture, but his presence would give us the right to name the island "the island of kidnapped rock stars". He probably wouldn't make too much sense to the others, especially if he talks in constant metaphors like he does in his songs. But the others would be so enraptured with his po-mo artistry that he would fast be the most popular person on the island - which is suiting. Him and emily would probably fall in love while playing piano together.

Position: Treasurer and Guidance Counselor/AA sponsor, UK representative on Model UN

Possible Escape Tactic: I imagine he would pull a houdini,

6. Johnny Whitney (The Blood Brothers / Neon Blonde)

He may annoy the other members of the island, specifically because his vocals often sound like a drowning rat (I love him for it though). He would probably try to start a band with the rest of them, I imagine they might decline and attempt to stay solo - mostly because in his proposal, he declares he would be lead vocals.

Position: T shirt maker and body paint artist, first manager of the island's H&M, [he wouldn't be on the UN because he's too hardcore for that...or at least, as hardcore as you can get when your post punk band is signed to sony]

Possible Escape Tactic: None, he would love it so much, he would stay and invite all his scene friends and they would open five more H&Ms, a Forever 21, a salon that specializes in choppy scene hair cuts, a used vinyl/cd store, and a Hot Topic...they would also set up a wireless internet point so they could all check their myspace accounts on their sexy macbooks.

7. Kathleen Hannah (Le Tigre / Bikini Kill)

I am not sure how difficult it would be to capture Kathleen Hannah, though I assume that it may be a two-for-the-price-of-one deal, as we might get JD Sampson or Kathleen's Beastie Boy husband while initiating the kidnapping.

Position: Coordinator of the Post Modern Island Riot Grrl Movement, Creator of the Island Art Gallery, Co-Producer of the Annual Feminist Film Showing, Professor of Critical Gender, 20th Century American Politics, Early North American Foreign Policy, Sculpture, Photography and Film Art, and Critical Race Studies at the Island University of which she is also the Dean, South Africa/Bosnia/Spain/New Guinea representative on Model UN

Possible Escape Tactic: Starting a riot after writing a song that exposes the horrible and oppressive conditions of the island.

8. Justin Timberlake (N Sync / Solo [not indie, i know i know, but i'm making huge stretches as it is])

Although not a 'rock' star, per-se, something tells me that JT can fake it pretty well. I think he'd be the jock that the others need to feel inferior too (like in high school, hence all their woe). Also, if Feist is choreographing nightly dances/entertainment, someone needs to perform them. He can also do a duet with Meredith.

Position: Dancer/nightly entertainment, beat box, model in The Island's fireman calendar, Michael Jackson impersonator, student at the Island University [he wouldn't be on the UN because 'all the good countries were taken']

Possible escape tactic: simply waiting for former N Sync fans (now in their mid twenties) to start a search party and find him. This is like an extended vacation for him, except unlike other celebrities, he doesn't need to call it "rehab"

9. Jesse F Keeler (MSTRKRFT / Death From Above 1979)

He might feel uncomfortable as all his projects have involved him and one other person, and here I am putting him on an island with 9 other people. But I think once the DJ booth is set up, he would feel right at home. He would probably drink a lot with JT and they would create nightly dance parties which everyone but Conor would attend.

Position: DJ at The Island Night Club, Kathleen Hannah's secret lover, President and CEO of the "sexy results" club and recreation center

Possible escape tactic: Using his high powered cell phone to call Sebastien, make up, and start a DFA reunion tour with JUSTICE opening... I'd buy him a plane ticket and give him a sincere appology for kidnapping him, but hope that he doesn't hold a grudge against me because by kidnapping him I inadvertently made him best friends with Seb again..I'd hope to get passes to all his shows

10. Tegan (and/or) Sara Quinn (Tegan and Sara)
I probably wouldn't want to interrupt their tour, simply because I would really like to try and see them in Germany, so this one would have to wait until September (because there is nothing like seeing Canadian bands in another country). The problem in this is - do you kidnap one or both? They're identical twins...so does it matter? It may be best to get both, because of that twin telepathy thing, best avoid possible escape tactics early.

Position: Stand Up comediennes during nightly entertainment, Kathleen Hannah's secret lover, talk show hosts / political commentators during model UN meetings...pretty much anything that allows them to talk a lot...

Possible escape tactics: well we took care of the twin telepathy by kidnapping both of them, but they may use some sort of lesbian telepathy voodoo to get batwoman to come and save them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BONUS: Avril Lavigne (solo)

She's like, a fake rock star.

Position: food

Possible escape tactic: us finding out everyone on the island is vegetarian, and then realizing that there is no possible use for this girl at all, anywhere, ever....we create a raft, and all the other rock stars help to build it and as a team we push her off into the sea...we tell her rafts are very anti-britney...but still very girly and instyle.